Big Little Lies Season Two Is for Gays Only

The Women of Big Little Lies, Ranked By How Terrifying They Are

Big Little Lies Season Two Is for Gays Only


No one should be tasked with ranking the award-winning actresses of Big Little Lies. It’s far too difficult and complex. But I’m gay, it’s Pride month, and I’m tenacious as hell. This is something I have to do for posterity, and for my people: I must rank the women of Big Little Lies how badly I want them to step on me.

The long-awaited second season of the Emmy-award winning series premiered on HBO on Sunday, which means both my excitement and horny levels are at peak level.

I’m a huge fan of the women of this show, from the inimitable Laura Dern, to Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman; the slate of female stars on Big Little Lies is a force to be reckoned with.

My rankings are meticulous consideration of their characters' quips, social savagery, and ferocious mothering—a combination that I, as a lesbian, find to be extremely erotic. Here’s every woman on Big Little Lies, ranked by my willingness to let them take me down via annihilating glances, cutting retorts, and sheer bloody will.

1 Madeline (Reese Witherspoon)

Madeline Martha Mackenzie doesn’t sound the name of someone I’d to step on me—it sounds the name of Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ arch nemesis. Yet Reese Witherspoon infuses this abrasive character with charisma and likability. Madeline tops this list because she’s the quip queen of Big Little Lies.

She always has a one-liner in her back pocket, and has delivered such roasts as “Get laid, bitch” and “What a cunt.” But she’s also offered such profundities as “I love my grudges. I tend to them little pets,” which pretty much sums up the entire tone of the show.

Remember that photo of Witherspoon throwing an ice cream at Meryl's head? Not even a thrice Oscar winner can extinguish this flame. I’m hoping for way more gossip, scandal, and flagrant eruptions from Madeline Martha Mackenzie in season 2.

And I want her to strut toward me in slow motion, spit in my face, and step on me with a strappy, sandy stiletto.

2 Mary Louise

Meryl Streep is the perfect addition to this already A-list cast. The Academy Award–hoarder plays Mary Louise, mother to the late Perry, who comes to town after her son’s passing—to help take care of Celeste’s boys, but also to get some answers about what really happened that night at the fundraiser.

She’s the most savage character to ever grace the Big Little Lies Cinematic Universe. , I thought Madeline Martha Mackenzie had some roasts up her sleeve, but that was before I saw Mary Louise cut through Madeline’s ego brie cheese, calling her “very short” and then opining that short people are “untrustworthy.

” In the season 2 premiere, Streep releases a blood-curdling scream at the dinner table, and all I could think was: Screech at ME, you coward!

3 Renata

I’m a Jane, but I wish I was a Renata. Renata is iconic, not just because she’s played by Laura Dern, but because she’s extremely extra, respectably mean, and throws her first grader, Amabella, an over-the-top lavish birthday party—one that probably cost more than any party I’ll ever have or be invited to.

In the first episode of the show, Renata told Madeline that she joined the board of Paypal over the summer with the nonchalance of “I got boobs last month.” In the season 2 premiere, she spent a whole scene forcing one of Amabella's teachers into submission, using both her personality and the biggest hand gestures I've ever seen.

She’s a CEO, a wealthy monster, and I want her to yell at me in front of a pack of whispering mothers.

4 Bonnie

Zoë Kravitz might be physically tiny, but she has such BSOME (Big Step On Me Energy) that she even unbalances queen bee Madeline.

Bonnie is a peaceful yoga instructor who most ly grocery shops exclusively at Erewhon, but she's full of hidden depths—as we are only now beginning to see.

Bonnie is dealing with a lot this season, and I'm just saying, if it would help, I would let her twist my stiff hips into a pose way beyond my skill level.

5 Celeste

It’s not that I didn’t Nicole Kidman before Big Little Lies, but I will say that her wig and her performance in this show really tipped the scales into adoration for me: Celeste is a master class in female strength, durability, and persistence.

(Also, in season 1, Kidman smashed Alexander Skarsgård's prosthetic dick with a tennis racquet—a now-infamous moment in TV history.) Now that Celeste is free of Perry (though not, perhaps, the police investigation), I look forward to a powerful season of healing and growth for her.

Celeste and her bangs are beautiful and good, and they are the boss of me now.

6 Jane

Played by Shailene Woodley, Jane is a young single mother who finds strength in motherhood after surviving a harrowing sexual assault. Jane wasn’t the quippiest or most audacious of the characters, but she did smack Renata, so she’s somewhat of a Montereyan legend.

I have high hopes for Jane's equilibrium in season 2: Last season was about grappling with trauma and the mystery of her rapist. Now that she has that answer, it’s a whole new chapter for her.

Jane has been through a lot, and I want her to do whatever the hell she wants, which is probably to have an extremely long nap and be a good mom, supported by her loving friends.

7 Abigail

Let’s be 100 percent clear: I don’t want Abigail (Kathryn Newton) to step on me, because she is a teenager. But I would definitely let her bully me in a locker room with her goth friends or something.

Abigail is the eldest daughter of Madeline Martha Mackenzie (Witherspoon). She’s sassy, cutthroat, and an angry feminist—which is exactly how I hope I’ll be eulogized at my funeral.

In season 1, Abigail wanted to auction off her virginity to raise awareness for sex trafficking and raise money for Amnesty International.

However, she decided to drop the stunt in the final episode because she realized her true mission would get buried in the scandal of it all. She’s moody and wise, plus she’s played by Kathryn Newton, who’s currently starring in Netflix series The Society, in which she’s doubly as fierce.

Big Little Lies returns June 9 on HBO.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at


Renata Is a Chaotic Top: “Big Little Lies” Characters as Gay Archetypes

Big Little Lies Season Two Is for Gays Only

by Lester Fabian Brathwaite 7/23/2019

The second-season finale of Big Little Lies may have left us with more questions than when we started the damn thing: Did the Monterey Five turn themselves in? What will happen to Mary Louise? So we’re just not going to talk about that whole witch story line? Will there be a Season 3? Do we need a Season 3? Did we need a Season 2?

But if there’s anything we’re more certain of now than ever, it’s our love for Celeste, Madeline, Bonnie, Jane, and Renata. Though their friendship might be a dirty secret—or as Celeste observed, “The lie is the friendship”—we can still find some truths about ourselves in them.

To wit, you may have seen this making the rounds on your text chains and social media feeds a little while back.

Using the Dungeons & Dragons alignment system categorizing characters their morals and ethics, the internet does what the internet tends to do and made it about gay sex. And a meme was born.

Upon closer observation, though, it becomes clear that for every gay archetype, there is a BLL character with the corresponding personality. Which, considering the show’s overt queer appeal—one word: MERYL—makes all the sense in the world (un large swathes of this season). Anygay, let’s get into who’s what. 

Renata – Chaotic Top

Relevant traits: Has nutted while singing along to “Africa,” smacks your ass in public, definitely into choking
This is pretty obvious. If anyone’s got Big Dick Energy, it’s Renata “Woman in Fucking Power” Klein (Laura Dern). Don’t act you can’t imagine Renata belting out Toto’s “Africa” while climaxing—her love of AM gold classics is well known.

As for the choking thing, with Gordon for a husband, can you blame her?


Corey – Lawful Top

Relevant traits: “Do you that, babe?,” plays recced Spotify playlists during sex, doesn’t correct people who think they bottom
Turns out Corey (Douglas Smith) was actually a nice guy.

Who knew they still made those? He was vey respectful of Jane, gave her space—though he did have some “lawful top” stalker vibes—and seems confident enough in himself (a rarity for a man on BLL) that he wouldn’t mind being mistaken for a bottom.

How much Elliott Smith do you think is on that sex playlist, though? 

Madeline – Neutral Top

Relevant traits: Proper punctuation, “Actually, I’m a top,” exclusively plays gay bops during, one or two weird kinks
Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) is 100 percent the top in her marriage to Ed, though she got knocked down a few pegs this season once Ed decided to show some self-respect after he found out about her affair. Type A Madeline would be the group’s stickler for punctuation, and we’re sure she totally has a Carly Rae bop at the ready for any and all situations.

Far from being completely vanilla, you know Madeline’s got a dark, kinky side—maybe that’s why Mary Louise never trusted her. 

Jane – Lawful Vers

Relevant traits: Autocapitalization is on, has Spotify Premium so ads never interrupt, willing to try anything onceJane (Shailene Woodley) loves her some music and is not trying to be out here fucking with ads on her Spotify running playlist. As a victim of sexual assault, she’s understandably cautious, but her willingness to give Corey a shot shows that she’s still got some moxie. 

Dr. Reisman – Neutral Vers

Relevant traits: Genuinely has no preference, pretty vanilla tbh, loud during tho
The calm center of it all, Dr. Amanda Reisman (Robin Weigert) is as vanilla and as evenhanded as they come. It would be jarring, however, to hear her speak in anything other than a dulcet tone that drips with just a hint of condescension. 

Celeste and Mary Louise – Chaotic Vers

Relevant traits: Alternates between pillow princess and dom top, slaps their own ass
Celeste (Nicole Kidman) and Mary Louise (Meryl Streep) bumped heads, among other things, all season, and it’s largely because they are more a than either would care to admit.

By this point, Celeste’s sexual track record has been well established…

But her resemblance to Mary Louise has more to do with temperament than proclivities.

They’re basically two sides of the same fiery, kinda scary coin, equally capable of being pillow princesses—Celeste’s outward composure, Mary Louise’s disarming cordiality—and dom tops.

The fact is, the fight between Mary Louise and Celeste gets so ugly and so personal because they’re two dom tops who refuse to come out on the bottom. 

Ed – Lawful Bottom

Relevant traits: Just excited to be here, practices sex sounds in private, is embarrassed to sext
Ed (Adam Scott) really is just excited to be here, and if he’s not embarrassed to sext, we’d be embarrassed for him. 

Bonnie – Neutral Bottom

Relevant traits: Secretly into choking, never horny on main, thinks people can’t tell they bottom, wants to cuddle afterBonnie (Zoë Kravitz), the coolest cucumber in the crisper, is not one for PDA—at least not with her husband, whom she admitted she never loved in the show’s finale. As a yogi, however, she’s got a deep mind-body connection and is down for some cuddles afterwards. It’s all about getting those heart chakras dutifully aligned. 

Nathan and Gordon – Chaotic Bottom

Relevant traits: A brat, has sexted at the dinner table.
Nathan (James Tupper) and Gordon (Jeffrey Nordling) are two men-children and the biggest brats on the entire show—and that’s including the actual children.

We also wouldn’t put it past Gordon to sext the nanny while at the dinner table. No court in the land would convict Renata for taking a bat to his things.

Or his ribs.


Добавить комментарий

;-) :| :x :twisted: :smile: :shock: :sad: :roll: :razz: :oops: :o :mrgreen: :lol: :idea: :grin: :evil: :cry: :cool: :arrow: :???: :?: :!: